Chapter Text
Shock - denial - anger - bargaining - depression - testing- acceptance.
Shock - denial - anger - bargaining - depression - testing…
Shock - denial - anger - bargaining - depression…
Shock - denial - anger - bargaining…
Shock - denial - anger…
SHOCK.
DENIAL.
ANGER. A whole lot anger. And that’s it.
He knew he had to move forward. For his friends, for his village, maybe for himself too. Shikamaru would have wanted that. He would have wanted him to move forward. To become the Hokage, to marry a regular girl who’s not super pretty or super ugly, have two kids, a girl then a boy, retire when his daughter get married and his son became a successful ninja and spending the rest of his day just…
"Playing shogi " He couldn’t stop the uncontrollable sobs running through him. Like a water drop falling, who creates a dent, a hole and finally an abyssal void, shikamaru’s death was eating at him. Still. Years after.
And he’s trying. He is genuinely trying. But he can’t anymore. The pill is even harder to swallow now knowing his feelings. He had been so naive. Shikumura had been in the back of his mind for years. Always there, always a constant. Never looking down on him. Treating him like a human, even before he had to prove to the world that he was one and deserved to be treated as such. And way before anyone, shika actually believed in him.
He could have spent so much more time with him. But he was too busy chasing after Sasuke. Chasing after someone who didn’t want to come back. As much as he loved his friend, now older, wiser and more depressed than ever, he regretted it. Spending all his teen years chasing him when he could have spent more time with Shika at the village. But now it’s in the past and never to be changed.
The more he thought the less he could breathe. He felt like there was no air for him to exhale, his heart hammering in his chest, black spots obstructing his vision. Then he passed out.
~ 🌑 ~
He woke up the day after, knowing damn well that he was going down hill. Those episodes where his usual. Sakura tried everything to help, therapy, meditation, medication, nothing worked. And he could see the worry grow on his friends face. In the way they treated him like a ticking bomb, and he was.
Because if he wasn’t feeling numb, he was angry. Angry at the world, at himself, at time. Every single cellules of his body scathing. If he hadn’t been in a friendly relationship with Kurama, he could have been a serious danger to the inhabitants of the village. Iruka sensei had to lecture him a couple of times about being a so called hands on Hokage. Since he was the pillar of the village and couldn’t afford for his security to be compromised.
But he needed this. The bone-crushing fatigue was helping him get some sleep. It helped him blow some steam. Or he would have imploded a long time ago.
But if he dared to show more cracks, everybody would panic. And that’s the last thing he wanted. He was the 7th Hokage of the Village Hidden in the Leaves, he couldn’t afford to fall apart. So he put on a smile, he is the people’s happy go lucky Hokage-sama. He was Naruto Uzumaki, the hero of war. He said that he was okey, his smile even brighter. The Sun of Konoha like Gaara liked to call him.
At this point he didn’t know if nobody wanted to address the stunted healing in the room or he just got that good at faking.
He entered his office, then sat down. For how long he didn’t know.
"Hokage-sama". Sasuke called.
"Come on, you can just say Naruto when it’s the too of us" He smiled.
"Hokage-sama, there is no sign of disruptions near the village. Petty thieves or bandits are nothing a group of Genin or a Chûnin can’t take care of."
This. Here it was again. This distance. He thought once he had Sasuke back, everything would have come back to normal. But what was the norm? The bickering going on when they were children? So much things have happened between Sasuke parting and the Fourth Great Ninja war. Water under the bridge, they grew apart. And their differences were more jarring when he came back. He had his own experiences, Sasuke had his too.
And it wasn’t just sasuke. Beside Kakashi sensei, Iruka sensei, surprisingly Lee and Chouji. His friends are more like acquaintances now. He was not Naruto anymore, he was the Hokage. And they just implicitly decided that he was ‘too much’ to hang out with. He thought maybe they were all busy and it’s normal. They are adults with a busy life but no. He was the only one not invited.
They said he was surely busy. But he would have worked even more to be able to spend time with them. As sad as he was, he still wanted to spend time with his friends. He didn’t want to be so lonely.
He still spend time with Kakashi, even if it was sharing silence. Just his presence was soothing. Same with Iruka sensei, or chouji and Lee. He loved spending time with them. They trauma bonded over loss and ate ramen together every two Tuesday.
Anyway, he looked at sasuke."good." He closed the door after himself.
He looked at the picture of Team 7 then at the picture he took with Shikamaru at Ichiraku when they were younger and sighed.
" I miss you" And again he could feel his lungs tighten, the air becoming scarce. So he tried to breathe. Not to avail. He’s feeling dizzy. Again. He wants to vomit. Did he eat today? He felt like something pulling him, then nothing….
